Three Days Until We Die

We were young, smart, and confident. Adventurous mountaineers determined to make our mark. It would not be easy, but the will to act was perhaps our greatest strength.

After launching our breakthrough Light Dimension tent, and papering our workshop walls with orders, we had irrefutable evidence of latent customer demand for an outdoor product made with the new water-proof breathable Gore-Tex laminate. Although we were the first to market and were euphoric about our success, we worried our good fortune might not last. I suggested we maintain momentum by adding Gore-Tex rainwear. Nicolai concurred. After creating simple pullover patterns with underarm zippers for extra venting, I cut and sewed two anoraks from the tent laminate we had on hand. We now needed a rigorous field test in actual alpine conditions. I looked to Nicolai for his mountaineering expertise.

As was his way, he picked a superlative project. The high mountain Ptarmigan Traverse, a remote rugged route among sharp glaciated North Cascade peaks, was unique, challenging, and stunningly beautiful. Nicolai had completed the classic traverse once before, in good weather, and yearned to return. Our objective was so compelling we champed at the bit. The sooner we could validate our prototypes the sooner we could commence production, marketing, and sales.

The weather held us back as days of rain frustrated us. Even in the face of it, we assured ourselves that we were soon due for better. On that basis, we forged ahead. To make it more interesting, Nicolai boldly announced that we would take neither map nor compass. We would rely on his memory. And without commitment to any peak bagging, we left our crampons behind. A weight-saving measure. It was August so a rope and ice axes should do. I accepted Nicolai’s decisions without question due to his confidence and prior experience on the high alpine traverse.

As we crossed the Skagit River and drove up the Cascade River Road to the trailhead, the weather seemed to be clearing, hints of blue sky peeking through the overcast. Dressed in running shorts and cotton t-shirts, with alpine packs, we hiked the three-and-a-half-mile trail to Cascade Pass. Blue patches episodically shone through drifting clouds. The day looked promising. That promise would not last.

Arriving at the pass, gray clouds now swept over Sahale Arm, and the temperature plummeted. We reluctantly changed from nylon shorts to wool knickers, from cotton tees to wool shirts, and donned our Gore-Tex anoraks. It was not what we wanted, but we were not turning back. Both fit and determined, we had one direction, forward.

Heading up the Cache Glacier towards Cache Col, ominous clouds darkened the sky, and rain pelted down. The rain persisted, cold droplets beading up and running down my anorak. Perspiring freely but still relatively comfortable, I climbed swiftly to stay warm. As we gained elevation, I looked back at Sahale Arm and then down to a moving speck of a person below Mix-up Peak. Nicolai was making his way up the crusty sun-cupped snow that covered the glacier. The scale of the environment was vast indeed, seemingly made larger by the heavy shroud of gray. I felt a disquieting sense of isolation. If we became lost, we would not be found.

Just before the col, we crossed a forbidding-looking bergschrund with an overhanging ice block arched ominously over a deep fractured crack. Once over, we continued scanning for Kool-Aid Lake, the site of our first overnight camp. The fun name suggested a welcoming and refreshing place. I had looked forward to it. In my euphemistic vision, it would greet us, sparkling brightly in the sun, a serene reflecting pool perched high on a shelf amongst the surrounding peaks. My Shangri-La fantasy. Less than a mile across heather-covered slopes, Nicolai stopped near a small dark body of water nestled in a rocky outcrop and took off his pack. I realized that this meager pool, little more than a large puddle, was Kool-Aid Lake. A large snowfield wrapped around and over, nearly completely covering it. It was hardly a cause for celebration. Was this in some way a sign that portended what we might encounter in the days ahead? I did not find it encouraging.

Now raining steadily, a gray mist enveloped us. We pitched our Light Dimension, shook out our sleeping bags, crawled in, and zipped up the tent for the night. We fired up our MSR stove and prepared a hearty pot of noodles and landjeager. The savory ramen and sausage both warmed my body and enlivened my spirit despite the damp chill.

We then removed our wet knickers, wadded them up, stuffed them towards the back of the tent, and crawled into the comfort of our down sleeping bags. I had a blue foam pad under my bag. Although thin, it was the right compromise between insulation, comfort, bulk, and weight. Surprisingly, Nicolai had a prototype of a new inflatable sleeping pad from Cascade Designs. The sealed nylon exterior fabric sandwiched a compressible foam. An air valve allowed him to inflate the sleeping pad, creating an insulating cushion under his sleeping bag. In the morning, he could open the valve, expel the air, and roll the pad into a tight cylinder, next-era technology applied to sleeping pads. I envied Nicolai for scoring this prize for his field-testing sleeping comfort. Why he hadn’t he scored two?

The next morning, Nicolai announced that the air valve in the prototype sleeping pad had failed. The formerly inflated foam pad had squished down to nothing, providing negligible cushioning and insulation underneath him. He then mandated that going forward we would be taking turns using my blue foam pad. The person not using the blue foam pad could separate himself from the cold surface beneath by cushioning his bag with our soft packs. So, the next night I knew I would be sleeping on flattened alpine packs and dried sausages. This adventure was getting better and better.

We traversed toward Spider-Formidable Col. And once across, would descend to Yang Yang Lakes for camp. Visibility down into the valley below was decent, but our high route was completely socked in with a dense mist. As we continued our traverse, I expressed some apprehension. Nicolai assuaged my concerns by informing me that all we had to do was follow the cirque to the col and that he had done it before. We continued, still optimistic that at some point, the weather would change for the better, and assured each other with the quintessential Pacific Northwest phrase.

“Don’t worry, it’ll burn off.”

It did not. Instead, it snowed. By the time we reached the col, snow had been falling vigorously for some time and was now blowing sideways with a determined ferocity. The exposed granite peaks that jutted up on each side of the col were dark featureless forms, visibility closing in like a tightening concentric circle. As we crossed over the col and began the descent into the next cirque and our search for Yang Yang Lakes, Nicolai paused momentarily and looked up at me, his expression grim, a mix of fatigue and determination. Standing on a steep slope of jumbled snow-covered rocks, he appeared mounted on a precipice at the edge of a world that disappeared into a deep white void. Were we worried, with no maps or compass? Hell no, Nicolai had been here before. In Nicolai, I trusted. Wait a minute, was I sure about that?

The snow continued, big flakes streaming steadily down. Visually, the scene was quite picturesque, but the wet and heavy snow melted on contact with our warm bodies, rivulets running off our Gore-Tex anoraks and soaking into our wool knickers. One good thing, perhaps the most essential thing, though we were both tired, we were still warm. The Gore-Tex anoraks were doing their job, and our wool knickers retained our body heat even though quite wet.

We kept going and finally found a grassy outcrop that hosted a solitary lake. Not Yang Yang Lakes, but good enough. Though small, it was larger than Kool-Aid, about the size of the footprint of a medium-sized house, and luxurious by comparison to the forlorn little Kool-Aid Lake. We quickly made our second camp on the snow-covered meadow near the lake. Pleased that things were going as well as they were, under the circumstances, I got out the Sigg pots and water bottles and went to the lake to get water for dinner.

Then things got worse. When we pulled our sleeping bags out of their stuff sacks, we noticed they had accumulated a bit of water. It was likely from both internal tent moisture, contact with our wet wool knickers the night before, and water leaking into our packs during our traverse in the wet snow. Our custom Feathered Friends down bags were no match for the weather. The bags had lost half their loft as the down plumules clustered into soggy little clumps. No matter how good the down, it provides no insulation when wet and does not easily dry out. The dampness was everywhere with nowhere else to go. Unless we got some sun, the situation with our sleeping bags would continue to deteriorate. That night we slept in our wet clothes, in our bags, knowing it would only make the situation worse, but we needed to stay as warm as possible and needed that extra layer. We did not sleep well.

The next morning, the weather seemed to be breaking. Visibility now slightly better, we took some time to explore the area surrounding our camp. Despite the snow, there was a profusion of meadow wildflowers that had likely bloomed sometime days earlier, in better weather. Seeing them was somehow heartening. After further exploration, we discovered the two Yang Yang Lakes on a shelf not far below the lake where we had camped. So, not completely off course.

We packed and ascended to a pass in preparation to drop down onto the South Cascade Glacier. As we looked towards the next section of our route, the sun faded to a hazy yellow ball as an opaque curtain of moisture rolled back in. It stayed that way as we climbed up a ribbon of snow that led to a lengthy glacier traverse that would take us to the Sentinel-La Conte col.

Looking down from the pass, the South Cascade Glacier was more than enormous. The base, a web of wrinkled blue-gray fingers, reached towards the green-gray surface of the silty lake below. We dropped into a giant talus and scree slope and plunge stepped down, almost like skiing, short sections on the crumbly rocks. It was tiring work, staying upright in the steep loose wet rock that varied in size from baseballs to engine blocks.

After what seemed way too long a descent, we finally reached the bottom of the scree and the foot of the glacier. As we set boots on the glacier what had appeared as a uniform shade of gray from far above was an undulating river of ice encrusted with fine particles of dark gray rock, the ice filthy and wrinkled with age.

The upper stretches of the glacier had newer snow cover, still dirty but more uniformly white than gray. The main body displayed a gigantic spider web of horizontal crevasses, opened by the relentless creep down over the undulating terrain into the valley below. As we reached the top, we crossed by the South Cascade Glacier Hut, a science research station, perched on a rocky outcrop surrounded by snowfields. Painted a battleship gray, I wondered who chose the paint color.

Though the structure was overwhelmingly utilitarian, festooned with antenna, no Swiss chalet, it still looked like an opportunity to me, a chance to get warm for a few minutes. I had seen no one emerge from the hut. Otherwise, I would have waved. I thought it would be a good idea to saunter over, knock on the door and introduce ourselves. I fantasized that they would welcome us in, and we would join them drinking hot chocolate as we felt the warmth of the fire from their potbellied stove. We could share stories and get warm. My wishful thinking active in the chilly moment.

Warmth as a physical concept was very much on my mind. But Nicolai thought differently than me. He was sure that they would not be glad to see us. He was having none of my fantasy and said we needed to keep going, and we did. I occasionally looked back, so sorry to see the hut become smaller and smaller. Why was Nicolai so headstrong?

The rain continued, drizzling through the cold, damp air, visibility closing into near white-out conditions. So far, we had been traversing and climbing a combination of rock and sun-cupped snowfields and had not needed either crampons or the rope. And then things changed. In the process of descending another immense snowfield, this time looking for White Rocks Lakes, our designated camp three, it slowly became painfully clear that we were off route. We had lost too much elevation and had not found the lakes. Now in a steep section, the surface icy, and starting to get dark, we realized that we were lost. Serious doubt crept into my psyche.

We stopped, knowing that to descend further would only compound our mistake. It was too late in the day to turn around and climb back up. We had run out of time. Determined that a small niche on the ice field was going to be our camp three, we started chopping out a tent platform on the icy slope. We worked furiously, hacking away with the adzes of our ice axes. It took longer than we wished. After clearing just enough space, we hastily pitched the tent on the barely adequate platform and crawled inside. We would sleep on the ice tonight.

Our priority was maintaining body heat. We fired up our trusty gas-fueled MSR Model 9 stove, our little friend, who would keep us company that night. The little stove was a godsend for climbers and backpackers alike, a true mountaineer’s tool. A freaking blow torch that made a lot of noise and cranked out a lot of heat, which you needed when melting snow for water. We huddled around the little stove as it roared away. We were just trying to get warm, leaning over towards the stove, hands cupped and yearning like two small children in a Dicken’s novel.

“Please sir, may we have another bowl of warmth?”

That activity became our ongoing routine as night passed. We called it taking a warmth break. Our down bags were each a sodden mess of wet down clumps sandwiched between two sheets of nylon, completely useless, and we slept on top of them that night, fully clothed in our wet wool. Sleep is a euphemism because we did not sleep much at all. We passed the night in brief snatches of that nether world that exists in the fuzzy border between sleep and consciousness. We punctuated our stupors that night with frequent breaks, crouched over our little gas-fueled friend as it roared away.

Try as it might, the small stove provided only enough warmth to keep us engaged with getting through the night. I was shivering, freezing, certain that I would get through this night, but I was feeling really ragged and seriously questioned how much more of this I could take. I wondered if Nicolai was concerned as well. I asked him,

“So, if the conditions don’t change, how many more days can we do this until we die?”

Nicolai was among the smartest people that I had ever met, and nothing if not self-assured. If you wanted the perfect model for a t-shirt emblazoned with the words, “I might be wrong. But I doubt it.” Nicolai would be your first choice. Hunched over the stove, he paused as if making a few mental calculations and then slowly turned his head towards me.

“Three days.”

Two words, with no elaboration. So, there I had it, three days. Well, that was at least a bit more headroom than I had expected, given the way that I felt in the moment. Why it positively cheered me up. Three more days, hurray! We would surely make it out inside of three days. Wait a minute…but if we do not, and if I feel this wretched now, that means it could conceivably get a whole lot worse. I shivered. I did not want to think about that.

After the interminable night passed, I stumbled out of the tent and stabilized myself on the slick ice. Just over the horizon, dawn was breaking. It was finally happening! A blazing sun, now emerging, casting bold flares of light across the glaciers. The clouds parted to reveal a bright cerulean blue sky. I marveled at the visual drama of the moment. My heart filled with joy. I could almost feel the warmth to come. We would live today and tomorrow!

We packed our gear and carefully stepped onto the snowfield, regretting leaving our crampons behind. It looked like any other steep sun-cupped snowfield, but the surface was a sheet of undulating glassy slick ice. I tippy-toed up in the icy cups, gingerly testing every step. Sometimes, while stopping on the steeper sections, I cautiously chopped out occasional crude steps with the adze of my MSR Thunderbird ice axe, careful to maintain my balance. It was too steep and slick to self-arrest.

We finally made it to White Rock Lakes and after roping up and crossing the Dana Glacier towards Spire Point, we descended to Cub Lake and assessed our situation. We had no intention of spending yet another sleepless night freezing and shivering, hunched over the little stove.

We elected to push on, hiking the last eleven miles out the Bachelor Creek and Downey Creek trails to the trailhead. We made the last two days of our traverse in one long exhausting day, bushwhacking through the brush fest that was Bachelor Creek until we finally met the Downey Creek trail, a real trail. Yet, it seemed endless as we stumbled down the last miles of the rough and rocky path in the dark. The orange light of a campfire beckoned as we approached the end.

We opportunistically wolfed down grilled hotdogs gifted by sympathetic trailhead car campers, and giving in to our fatigue slept on dirt in the Downy Creek campground and were glad of it, now warmer again. The next morning, we toasted our sock-clad feet by our campfire as we waited for our ride out. Although we had flirted with a frozen world and encountered the face of death, we had fortunately survived. Breathing the fresh air of life had never felt so good.

Author’s Note: This story appears in ‘Banquet of the Infinite,’ a memoir of my adventures in the mountains and outdoor business in the ‘70s. Available as an illustrated eBook at Amazon Kindle Press, Barnes & Noble Press, and Kobo Books. Although the book has many vintage photos, this story contains some that are not in the book.

The Journey

We often yearn to return. Wistfully, to the distant past. The places where our fondest memories still shine brightly. Daring exploits in which we frequently remember ourselves as heroes. While we cannot enter that reality again, we can select a different path. Now much older, I choose to return to the alpine climbs and high routes of my youth by making determined marks on paper. My journey exists in a different medium with the tools of the fine artist rather than ropes, crampons, and ice axe, the tools of the creative alpinist. You would think it a safer route to take and you would be right, but only in the physical sense.

My practice and acquisition of rock climbing and mountaineering skills took place in the mountains, on the rock, snow, and ice, rather than in a climbing gym. Back then, there was no such thing. All our field study and effort were to make ourselves ready for the bigger, longer, more technically demanding objectives that we would encounter higher in the mountains. Most of our education, after a few rudimentary classes, consisted of progressive self-instruction gained both from the doing of the routes and watching our friends. The rope handling and other practices of the art form of climbing, became gradually integrated into our skill sets, so they became second nature.

Confidence was a most important attribute for climbers, and those shorter routes in no small way contributed to building that attribute. In the process, we met others from the same tribe and expanded our portfolio of climbing partners, learning from each other, stoking the fires of desire, and moving forward. A heady time, as we diligently prepared ourselves and passed through a gateway to a larger alpine world, a world that we were so inexorably drawn to by the power of our mountain dreams.

Those dreams still resonate within and as I struggle to express them on paper, I find the challenge still considerable, perhaps even greater. Even with college instruction in fine arts, I now find myself back at what feels like the beginning. The terror of the blank page is real. Hesitation and procrastination delay the moment of the first pencil marks, the beginning of a committed journey. And, even once started, the path to completion is sometimes muddled with confusion and fear. What next? How will I finish this piece without screwing it up? It helps to recall the committed path of the Samurai. There is only one direction, forward.

As with climbing, my visualization skills still conceive of projects for which my abilities are not yet ready. I suppose that is okay if I somehow reconcile the time devoted to skill building as a doorway to achieving my artistic dreams. They need each other I tell myself. Without dreams what is there? My dreams provide the impetus to move forward and engage in daily practice that will help make them a reality.

Curiously, I have found a new tribe, that of the pen and ink illustrators who bravely exhibit their work on the pages of an international Facebook group. They are kindred spirits, all seeking expression and progress in their artistic quest. And, through considered examination, I am learning from their efforts. It is not unlike how we benefitted from each other in those heady days of yesteryear, scaling those magnificent rocky cliffs, icy faces, and snowy peaks.

In the present, now acquiring and building technique and ability in the medium of art, I look for confidence in my abilities to emerge. It is happening, slowly. Not as quick as my not very patient self would like. Learning new skills is always a challenge and, I reflect, perhaps a metaphor for life itself.

The never-ending journey.

Burn Notice

It is always a shock when you make the abrupt transition from a trusted mountain companion—climbing partner, backpacker, day hiking buddy—to persona non grata. And you might not grasp the full extent of it in the present moment. Perhaps only later will you realize that you are truly burned. Of course, sometimes it happens right to your face. Those are the worst.

You wonder why it happened, though it is likely you will never really know. You have been irrevocably cut off. Dumped! End stop. It doesn’t happen often, but it happens, and when it does, it stops you cold.

Many years ago, Denny and I attempted a traverse of the three peaks of Mount Index in the Cascades of Washington state. Upon arriving on the summit of the North Peak, exhausted and running out of daylight, we bivouacked. After a sleepless night, we abandoned the traverse, rappelling back down the route we had climbed the day before. Except for the brushy descent, I was pleased to be off the peak. It had looked pristine from a distance but the route was a messy, unenjoyable affair, a veritable vertical bushwhack. If Denny wanted to try it again, I was out. Though we did not speak of it, I could tell he already knew.

In the early 1970s in Seattle, I was part of the team at Early Winters, which made tents for the local alpine community, and through our factory shop, Denny had become connected to the mountaineers in our circle of climbing partners. Subsequently, he joined me, David Stevenson, Rainer Burgdorfer, and another friend, Roy Plaeger, on an aborted attempt on Liberty Ridge. After that, Roy and Denny teamed up to tackle the Index Traverse. I was no longer interested in the route myself, but I endorsed their enthusiasm and wished them the best of luck. 

The date of their departure arrived, and I kept track of their days on the route. They occasionally cropped up in my thoughts as I pondered where on the climb they might be and how they were handling it. Soon, they were overdue by two days. Since this was no extended expedition, two days was a meaningful delay, an ominous development.

What should I do? What could I do? I called and conferred with my friend and mountain mentor, Bill Nicolai. He reviewed the timetable and then suggested that we call search and rescue. It was good to have a partner in that decision, and I trusted Nicolai’s judgment. After alerting the SAR team, Nicolai and I hopped in his car and drove to Index. We wanted to be there for our friends.

As we found out later, Denny and Roy were surprised by a sudden storm and were forced to bivouac on the Middle Peak. They couldn’t go forward because of the lack of visibility, and the wet rock made climbing treacherous. For protection from the elements, they squeezed into a void under some boulders and got progressively wetter and colder as the water ran down the rocks and onto their huddled forms.

Incredulously Denny had been wearing blue jeans instead of wool knickers. Frankly, not a smart move in the Cascades. And he knew better. Roy later told me he had extra clothing and food, which he shared with Denny as they sat together, wet and freezing in a relentless nightmare of a storm they did not expect. Legendary Northwest climber Fred Beckey had warned in his book, Cascade Alpine Guide, that Index should only be attempted in steady weather. And if caught in a storm, there would be no easy and rapid descent. Denny and Roy discovered the truth of that, and were stuck.

In dire situations like this, time often seems to collapse into itself and crawl nearly to a complete stop. To keep time moving, they did as many who are pinned on a mountain often do. They talked about food—the food they yearned for, hot cheeseburgers, and going out for food they could not possibly get. These were cruel fantasies they imposed on themselves for distraction from the agony of their wet, cold circumstances. The night passed like a sloth.

The storm persisted throughout the next day, forcing them to stay put for a second night. They worried the weather wouldn’t clear, and the threat of hypothermia loomed. Luckily, on their third morning, the fog cleared and they scrambled along a narrow ridge and reached the Main Peak that afternoon.

After the drive to Index, Bill and I hiked up toward a large congregation of mountain rescue members—lots more people than we expected. In evaluating the situation, it was obvious it would be a time-consuming and difficult technical feat for an unaided rescue team to locate and retrieve Denny and Roy from the steep, rugged, and now wet black peaks. Even that might be an understatement: It was hard to imagine success even for a very skilled team, and the chance of mishap for anyone on the rescue crew was too high to risk.

Denny and Roy might well be hypothermic, and perhaps near death. Facing the constraints of time, technical difficulties, and safety, someone in SAR called for a rescue helicopter, which we discovered only when we heard the loud whup, whup, whup of the long blades cutting through the white mist. We waited for word from above, and soon the flight crew radioed they’d located the climbers.

Denny and Roy had made it off the traverse and were spotted amidst a large boulder field on their descent from the Main Peak. They were alive. We did not know they’d successfully summited and reached the boulders by nightfall. They bivouacked there the third night, shivering, cold, and wet as the last two. By day four, they were exhausted and hungry.

The helicopter approached the climbers and hovered a few feet over a flat, house-sized boulder as a rescue crew member extended his hand to help them. The noise was deafening, and the downwash from the rotors challenged them to stay upright and climb in. The moments were tenuous, but they made it. Once aboard, the chopper whirled up and away from the boulder field and ferried them toward our gathering.

The noisy machine slowly touched down, and both climbers and crew emerged. Denny and Roy were ambulatory and appeared unhurt. I felt both relief and joy and yet wondered what would have occurred without a rescue. Would they have made it out without becoming hypothermic and perishing? Would they have soldiered on, beating the odds to return with an epic story of ascent and survival? Or would tragedy have befallen them?

Of that, I cannot say. But with the perspective of one who has spent time in the mountains in horrific conditions on more than one occasion, I remain convinced rescuing them with the chopper was a good decision. Even without other physical trauma, the space between fatigue exhaustion and hypothermia and death can be sliver-thin.

Roy approached, wearing a fatigued smile and a sheepish demeanor. He offered his hand, thanking us both for our concern, for paying attention, for taking action, and for coming out in support. As we talked, Denny walked toward us. Expecting a similar greeting, I was taken aback when, with his head held high and a stern expression, he walked by us without a word or acknowledgment we were there.

I surmised that he was angry at us. I guessed he felt rescue was beneath him, an affront to his dignity and mountaineering abilities. They’d made it off the climb without aid, so why would they need any help from us? I often wondered how Denny viewed what happened that day, what was going through his mind. I still wonder.

His unspoken words to me that day were not, “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” They seemed to be, “Don’t call, ever.”

It was over. Even though we had been roped partners on many prior climbs, we would not climb together again, and it was the last time that I would see him. It was to be the last time for Roy as well.

That was long ago. In recent years, I have resumed hiking and scrambling the peaks of the Cascades and teaming with other old climbing partners. One guy seemed well suited to my interests. And he lived close by. For several years, he was always game for mountain adventures, selected great routes, eagerly sallied forth, and often brought beer for the post-event celebration. What could go wrong?

As with previous mountain mishaps, this one involved a dog—always a variable in the mountains. I like dogs. I just choose not to own one, which to some dog lovers means I don’t like dogs. I could never figure that one out.

One spring day I texted my friend an invitation. “Let’s hike up to the Granite Mountain Lookout. There’s still snow on the ridge. I’ll wear mountain boots and take poles, an ice axe, and traction. I plan to go light. Are you in?”

He said he was. So, he shows up in low-cut trail runners, with a 60 lb. pack, no poles, ice axe, or traction, but with his dog, a springer spaniel. If I hadn’t been so gung ho to get into the alpine, I might have noticed we had very different agendas and this supposed light and fast outing might go sideways.

“What’s with the heavy pack?”  I asked as he hefted the beast. He replied he was training to hike the Pacific Crest Trail from the Columbia River to the Canadian border in one push, without resupply. It was an audacious plan at 505.7 miles and a lot of elevation gain and loss on the way. Lugging a sixty-pound pack up Granite Mountain was clearly training—all climbs are— but I had pitched a light training day with some time on snow as we ascended the last ridge section to the lookout. Even with a minimal pack, the hike would be strenuous. I could not imagine lugging sixty pounds up thirty-eight hundred feet of elevation in a little over four miles. What was he thinking? I should have asked him at the car when he first picked me up at my house. But no, while I saw his huge pack, I also did not see it; the tunnel vision of my overeager brain didn’t allow it to register. I was more focused on the snow climb ahead.

We shouldered our packs at the trailhead, my flyweight, and his behemoth, and headed up. About a third of the way up I could tell he was struggling with weights shifting inside his pack. I suggested he could pull some out, stash them along the route, and pick them up on the return. He concurred. We continued with episodic stops to rest and water his dog. We finally reached the meadows above the treeline. He stopped again. I waited. Finally, he said, “You go ahead.”

I felt released and stretched my pace, eager for the snow-covered ridge. After crossing the first significant snowfield, I looked back. He had stopped again on the other side. I turned and continued onto the ridge, his dog now my frisky companion, as she always tracked the leader. The snow challenged me, yet I welcomed the experience. I soon reached the lookout and scanned the skyline, pleased with my ascent. We waited there together, human and canine.

A small figure appeared far below, my friend waving his arms. It sure looked like a signal to come down. We reluctantly descended and once close I could tell he was not happy. He was furious. What had I been thinking? Had I watered his dog? Well, no. I was out of water. I had only some bottled tea and didn’t think that was appropriate. Anyway, couldn’t his dog lick snow if it was thirsting? His tirade continued. Although I couldn’t square his earlier “you go ahead” with his volcanic anger, I apologized. It didn’t help. He stomped off, post-holing through the snow as he disappeared down the mountain.

I tried to enjoy the rest of the hike on my solo descent, puzzling over what had just happened. Maybe there was something else going on, his emotions a tinder-dry forest ready to explode into an inferno and I was the spark. That gave me solace as I mentally prepared to exit the trail to an empty parking lot. Much to my surprise, he was still at the trailhead, waiting to drive me home. I offered a token, “Hey, I can buy beer.” Perhaps that would help absolve the rift. He responded, “I don’t feel like it.” His anger was palpable so I thought it best not to push it. We rode in silence.

A couple weeks later I texted him with a proposal to make a loop up Longs Pass, down to the Ingalls Creek Trail, up to Lake Ingalls, and back to the trailhead via Ingalls Way. It was decent bait, I thought, sure to get a response. I was wrong. My text went unanswered, my olive branch untaken. Months and later years went by. There was no response. I had been burned. Scorched.

Even now, I still wonder what went wrong.

Some burn notices are more subtle. The slow drifting away. Unanswered calls, texts, emails, and even letters. It’s as if the great trips of the past had never happened. It seems the burns all have a common theme: You are never, ever going to know the why. Instead, you are left with a void. All you can do with inexplicable loss is find a way to be okay with it.

That will have to be enough.

Just Ruck It!

The arrival of spring always signals the need to accelerate training for upcoming mountain exploits, both for simple one-day scrambles and potential multi-day high routes in Washington’s Cascades. My usual response is to start loading various packs with gear and packing the weight up the local trails, and even wearing one on my garage elliptical as I pound out the miles during the early season rains. Sure, I might look peculiar lugging a big pack on the nearby woodland loops. But who cares? I am older and practically invisible as it is. Anyway, it is the results that count.

Curiously, I recently stumbled across an article that announced what purports to be the latest fitness craze, ‘Rucking.’ What the Ruck? I had never heard of it. Had I been living under a rock? Intrigued, I soon discovered that it is merely the practice of carrying a weighted rucksack for exercise. The online buzz seems primarily aimed at urban fitness buffs. If you search online, you will soon run across dedicated websites such as Ruckformiles.com and learn more, much more. And, you will not be surprised to discover several commercial ventures exist to assist one in outfitting for rucking with products specifically designed for the activity. What? Seriously? Yes!

GORUCK, the Rucking Company, assertively proclaims ‘Crush Calories. Get Strong. Rucking burns more calories than walking and builds strength.’ They sell purpose-built packs for rucking that feature internal sleeves constructed to accept ‘ruck weights,’ flat metal plates (They begin at $75 for the entry-level 10 lb. weight. Note: a gallon of water in a plastic jug weighs 8.34 lbs. and costs zilch.). A website popout exhorts ‘Join the Rucking Revolution.’ And asks for your email address, presumably to keep you informed on the latest in rucking, and rucking gear. GORUCK points out that rucking is a great way to get stronger and is easier on your knees than running. Sounds good. Really good. Need to learn more? Their website even provides links to GORUCK events and GORUCK Clubs. GORUCK encourages you to ‘Download the Sandlot app to find and join your local GORUCK club.’ It could make prospective ruckers wonder how they could have missed this next big thing. “All this was happening and I didn’t have a clue?”

GORUCK is not alone. Another entrepreneurial company, Kickstarter-funded ‘Wild Gym’ announces ‘Rucking Backpacks for Wild People.’ Their website urges ‘Build Strength. Get Outside’ and ‘Stay Wild. Join the League of Wildness.’ Who would not be swayed by that? Among other products, they sell a complete ‘Ruck System Bundle’ and in addition to metal ruck plates offer a self-fill weight bag with ‘Chop Wood. Carry Water' silkscreened on the back. ‘Holds up to 100 lbs. of sand. NOT to be filled with water.’ What? No wood nor water? Nonetheless still a very Zen pronouncement. And, the founder, Dan, a former Wildland Firefighter and Wilderness Ranger projects a friendly and inviting vibe.

Dan makes the case that their packs make rucking easier as they are custom-designed to carry the weight in the right place. He makes a compelling argument that a Wild Gym Rucking Pack is superior for this purpose when compared to a regular backpack, which may be difficult to pack properly with training weights. Keeping it simple, he offers two sizes of Rucking packs. By comparison, REI offers over 300 models of day packs and backpacking packs, a bewildering array to sort through and decide. I always laugh at REI’s so-called assortment planning. “Everything is not an assortment.” For any beginner interested in rucking the simple approach makes a lot of sense. For those of us who have a gear closet with an array of packs, less so. And, if we have been using them, are already well versed in how to load them with gear.

Both companies thoughtfully present a system approach that would appeal to anyone looking to get started with this hot ‘new’ training concept. Buy the gear, find a club, and join this cool tribe. But wait a minute. What they present is not groundbreakingly new. Anyone who has participated in, or knows of, basic military training is well familiar with the marching and double timing everywhere hauling a pack weighted with field gear, much of which you would never use, all the while shouting out raunchy call and response cadences with your case-hardened drill instructor. We have been here before. In fact, one could submit that it goes way back. Way back. Think of the Cro Magnon, early humans struggling forth, shouldering the burdensome loads of that era.

There are comparative attributes that help further differentiate the various activities that involve carrying loads on one's back. Urban vs. Wild. Elective vs. Required. Training vs. Task. Cool vs. Uncool. The new ‘rucking’ seems to be primarily urban, elective, training-focused, and presented with a healthy dose of cool. Alpine rucking is wild, elective, training-focused, and likely perceived as eccentrically uncool. And, young army recruits are participating in required, rather than elective, training. Cro Magnon hunters and the hod carriers of yore were most definitely task-focused, not training-oriented. But these varied activities can all achieve physical fitness, that is if done in moderation. Otherwise, they may just break you down. So, there is really nothing unique here. The load-bearing practice has just been updated and rebranded for a new generation.

Nevertheless, it seems that new age rucking is a worthy and effective approach for achieving physical and mental fitness, especially the getting outside part of it. Detach from the computer, put away your cell phone, and start moving. Feeling your body, seeing with new eyes, and smelling wild fragrances are a big part of the practice. I can endorse all of it, even buying the gear, if you feel so inclined. Whatever helps you overcome your body inertia and get moving. The practice itself is a worthy pursuit.

However, I will pass on the specialty rucking stuff as it is not designed for actual alpine adventures. I will keep loading my mountain packs with actual mountain gear and a few dead weights, random stuff lying around the garage, framing hammers, water jugs, and such. Such weight training refamiliarizes my body with my favorite alpine packs. That is worth something in achieving readiness for upcoming adventures. And, using gear that I already own is way less expensive than buying specialty gear just for rucking. I would rather have another lighter ice axe than a rucking pack. You see, I already find it too easy to be tempted by new mountaineering paraphernalia.

But no matter what path you choose, I encourage you to throw a weighted pack on your back, step outside, and get moving. ‘Just Ruck It!’

Alpine Reality Check

The grand plan, the big idea, was to complete the Stuart Range Traverse, to climb to the 9,415-foot summit of Mt. Stuart and then traverse along the ridge crest and summit each of the four other Stuart Range peaks to the east: Sherpa Peak, Argonaut Peak, Colchuck Peak, and Dragontail Peak. All in one single push. Nicolai proposed it to me and, from the comfort of my Seattle home, it sounded glorious, even epic. The traverse was probably unclimbed, but who knew? Probably not, and that added to the appeal.

“What a cool idea. Let’s do it!”

That was my usual response to Nicolai, as his projects always had some hook that took them a step beyond the ordinary, that thing to which I could not say no. So, I always just said, “Yes.”

I waited and impatiently waited some more. “Where is Nicolai?” I asked the question aloud even though I stood on the front porch of my house alone. Nicolai was late, and not the first time, and when he finally did show up, he wasn’t even ready to go. No, he needed to drive around town to pick up his rucksack somewhere, climbing gear somewhere else, and perform various other errands. Why was his climbing gear scattered all over town? Why doesn’t he have his gear stashed all in one place? It was a question that I asked myself but did not ask him.

I was fuming, but Nicolai was still my mountain mentor, the fearless leader, the high priest. And I was the acolyte, trailing behind, always trying to keep up, intent on learning and adding to my alpine experience and skill set. We were not equal in the realm of mountaineering. I did not feel like I was entitled to complain much. I was usually projecting forward to the journey ahead instead of being fully in the present moment. I would put up with Nicolai’s annoying ways today.

I breathed with some relief when he finally showed up. No apologies. That wasn’t his style. And so, I pitched my gear into the back seat and climbed in. I sat beside Nicolai, working on my patience skills, as Xanthus, his ’63 Ford Galaxy, lurched around town on a gear hunt before finally heading east and toward the mountains of the Stuart Range. My mood lightened as we entered the narrow forest road, my eagerness now in the forefront. Almost there.

The tires crunched and skidded on the rocks as we pulled up to the packed dirt trailhead in the mid-afternoon. I thought, “Great, what now?” I knew from a previous climb that we had a long, long approach ahead of us before we even set foot on Mt. Stuart. I wondered what Nicolai had been thinking. It was certainly no alpine start, far from it.

As he finished packing his rucksack, he turned and asked me, 

“What time is it?”

He had no watch. I consulted mine and informed him that it was three o’clock. He looked up, wearing a genuinely surprised expression, and after a pause exclaimed,

“Shit, we gotta haul ass!”

At that point, I knew I was in for it. I watched his muscular form disappear up the trail. I hurried to join him. I was used to trailing in Nicolai’s wake as he dragged me along on various climbs. He was always stronger, faster, and more skillful. But I figured that if I kept at it, I would catch up, at least the getting stronger and faster part of it.

That day would finally come, but it was not to be today. Today I was still straining to keep up. We barreled up the trail as the light faded towards sunset. When it got to the point that it was getting dark, we were still on our approach, nowhere near the base of the climb. No matter.

“We’ll stop here,” Nicolai announced as he took off his pack, unrolled his pad, and shook out his sleeping bag, making a spot to sleep right next to the trail. He crawled into his sleeping bag, and that was that. His snoring provided a distinctive audible counterpoint to the otherwise silent night. I zipped up my sleeping bag and wondered about tomorrow.

I woke to the sound of birds on a bright, sunny day and watched Nicolai’s sleeping form for a few minutes. I did not feel like waking him. After a moment, he stirred, looked around as if not sure where he was, and then suddenly jumped up. As he wadded his down sleeping bag into its stuff sack, he declared,

“It’s late. We gotta haul ass.”

And with that, we resumed our approach, hauling ass, phase two.

Still a relative novice and very much under the sway of my alpine mentor, I stashed my growing skepticism and continued, still wondering what might happen. How would this adventure unfold? While I did not know, I was still game. It was my alpine apprenticeship. And I accepted that.

We finally arrived at the base of the West Ridge route on Mount Stuart. I cheekily suggested that we might want to climb it nude. Nicolai readily agreed. He was known for his nude ascents, especially his nude ascent of Mount Rainier, the first and probably only one by anyone ever. A stunt that seemed a bit crazy, and one with no small amount of bravado and risk. I heard that the weather on Rainier, that day of his nude climb, had been perfect, or he would not have been able to pull it off. But pull it off, he did.

The weather on this day was warm and clear, the risk of freezing to death was, unlike on Rainier, slim, and I was eager to try this outrageous naked climbing thing by making a nude ascent of the West Ridge of Stuart. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We dropped our packs and took off our clothes. We stuffed them into our rucksacks and began climbing upward. I was self-aware in a whole new way. At first, I felt a bit smug. The heat of the sun warmed my skin, a satisfying sensation. This nude climbing was a cool thing to do. Definitely.

We climbed un-roped since the difficulty level of the route was well within our capabilities, and it also helped us make up some lost time. We stayed close together, climbing in tandem. Pitch after pitch went by, and as we got higher on the ridge, the immense scale of the mountain became ever magnified as I looked around and down. As we climbed further, a thought occurred to me. What if I fell? I did not expect to take a fall. Falling was a remote possibility in my rational mind, but the seemingly irrational thought would not go away.

By now, the novelty of climbing naked from one jagged granite block to another had worn off. No longer smug, I was just a small, naked climber, a mere speck, on the West Ridge of the mighty Mt. Stuart, the single greatest exposed mass of granite in the United States. My thinking had progressed to envisioning my small crushed body found bloody and naked on the rocks below after a horrendous, terminal fall.

For some reason, I thought it would certainly be okay for my lifeless body to be found, fully clothed, but not to be found stark naked. No, that would not do. I continued mulling this over, perhaps overthinking it. Yes, I was absolutely overthinking it. I climbed on and upward and as we neared Long John Tower, reached a decision. I called out,

“Hey Nicolai, hold up. I’ve had enough of this naked climbing. I’m going to put my clothes back on.”

Without a word, he patiently waited, and after I had hurriedly rejoined the world of the clothed, he turned, and we both continued up the ridge. We had not seen anyone else on the climb and thought that we might have the entire route to ourselves. That was not to be. We soon encountered another climbing party, fully roped and belaying their leader. The four all turned and stared as we approached, mouths open, no words.

The buck-naked Nicolai shouted out, “Do you mind if we climb through?”

And with no objection, we swiftly passed them by. Nicolai and I finally roped up and belayed each other for the more difficult 5.6 layback crux pitch near the summit and then, un-roped again, deftly made our way up the jumbled granite blocks to the top. The sun was slipping towards the horizon, painting the sky in warm orange hues. As we paused on the summit, Nicolai, bronzed and naked, crouched like a primate eating peanut M&Ms from the bag. We briefly rested there, savoring our accomplishment and the view ahead.

Resuming our mission, we carefully descended towards the notch between Mt. Stuart and Sherpa Peak. And it was there, in that rocky granite saddle, we bivouacked for the night, settling into our down sleeping bags, staring wordlessly up at the pinpoints of ancient lights in the moonless sky, as our conscious thoughts slowly faded to black.

The next morning, we confronted our painfully obvious situation. We had simply started too late to complete the traverse in the time we had left. Unfulfilled ambitions are not an uncommon part of the drill in the mountains. Usually, it’s the weather that forces you off the climb, but sometimes it’s just your poor groundwork, probably more often than you’d like to admit.

And sometimes it was both, the weather forcing you off first so you’d receive a reprieve from realizing that, without the weather as an excuse, you would have had to confront your slipshod planning. Often a climb could be sandbagged by decisions and actions that occurred at the beginning, before even one step of the approach. In that situation, it simply amounted to a lack of time, the product of the very late start.

If I had recognized my inner voice, the one with the cognitive feasibility litmus test, I would have acknowledged right at the trailhead that our quest would not succeed. No amount of hauling ass could make up the time that we needed. So, with some deep regrets, we descended from the saddle and hiked back down the Ingalls Creek Trail, trudging our way back toward civilization, now both fully clothed. While my partner Nicolai added another nude ascent to his portfolio, I made probably the only 50% nude ascent of Mt. Stuart ever. Of that, I am confident. Do I regret that I did not make a 100% nude ascent that day? I am still on the fence about that. And that’s okay.

Fortunately, we both emerged without any falls or minor injuries. I chalk it up to being in my bulletproof years. And yet, I continued saying “Yes” to a host of the gnarliest ideas imaginable. After all, we could always back off. And, that did happen on the Mount Index Traverse (after the North Peak), the Liberty Ridge route on Mount Rainier, and a few others. Of course, Nicolai and I suffered greatly in reprehensible weather on the Ptarmigan Traverse back in 1976. But somehow, I survived all those years of risk-filled adventures. I was fortunate as not all did.

That was long ago. These days I am more circumspect. Okay, I’ll just say it, more risk averse.  There are some routes that I will not undertake on a solo outing, and some not even with a partner. And, it goes without saying that I do not climb naked anymore. While I don’t want to die in the mountains, it is simpler than that. I value my mountain time so much that I want it to last forever. And, while forever is a long time I don’t want to miss any part of it that I might yet have. That means that I measure my steps and take extra care not to get injured. I am more realistic and selective in my choices, which is not always easy. What is easy is to sit in front of my computer gathering beta on various alpine projects while in my twenty-something frame of mind. My youthful mental construct where almost everything seems possible. I often suffer the dreams of my young mind in my now older body. Yes, I would like to climb Eldorado Peak again. No, not a repeat of the amazing West Ridge, but perhaps the snow-covered knife edge of the East Ridge. That should be quite a bit easier, and doable, right? Well, that depends.

This year, my friend Mark seemed determined to summit The Brothers, specifically the higher south peak, Mount Edward. Since he lives on a waterfront that overlooks the Olympic peninsula, he spent years gazing at the twin peaks every day. Those moments fed his obsession. Having climbed The Brothers in his youth, Mark now longed to share the iconic summit with his sons. He invited me to accompany him to recon the climb before inviting Tyler and Chase.

At first, I eagerly agreed to join him. However, after researching the route and terrain, I declined. It looked like too much unsavory territory to cover in quest of a summit, both on the approach and the climb itself. Too much suffering for too little fun. I would save myself for better routes. I called him and said so.

“My dear friend, I really want to do this for you, but I really don’t want to do it for me.”

I waited a beat for his response. He understood straightaway and let me off the hook. Relieved, I thought no more of it until I had returned from a recent solo ascent of Mount Defiance and received a text from Mark. He and the boys were heading up to do The Brothers. I paused in thought and then wished them luck and a safe climb.

I was not surprised to learn that both the route and conditions challenged them all. Mark’s hamstrings both suddenly seized up very near the summit, only 500 vertical feet away. To his consternation, he discovered he could not climb any further. He chalked it up to inadequate hydration on an unusually hot day. I could empathize, as the same thing had previously happened to me at the upper saddle below Hidden Lake Lookout. No amount of will could propel you forward. You just had to sit it out and then descend.

Tyler and Chase conferred with Mark, and with their decision made, the brothers continued up while their dad waited and worried. After an hour and a half of fretful anxiety, Mark looked up to see a small figure, Chase, energetically waving from the summit. His sons had both summited despite some fearsome moments. It was no small feat as another group of seasoned mountaineers had missed the final key to the summit, a narrow chimney, and had abandoned close to the top. That summit day and the subsequent hike out constituted a physical beatdown for all. They had persevered, surmounting steep loose rock, thick understory brush, and two trailside hornets’ nests. When I later heard the details, the conditions, and the obstacles they faced, I knew I had made the right choice, my decision criteria clearly validated.

Of course, there are some easier local hikes that I equivocate about but that is usually more about overcoming the inertia necessary to get out the door. My wife, Diane, provides encouragement by assertively urging, “Don’t wimp out.” That usually spurs me to action and I have another fine day in the mountains. Thank you, Diane.

Where is the dividing line that cleaves between ‘just do it’ and ‘don’t do it’ decisions? It varies. I have ascended the steep and loose climbers trail to the summit of Kendall Peak on a couple of solo outings and thought little of it but stopped short at the summit pyramid at McClellan Butte. Perhaps if I had been with a friend, I would have continued to the top. The steep rock face certainly looked well within my capabilities, but the significant exposure gave me pause. I was alone and the uncertainty of what might go wrong weighed on me. I regretted leaving it behind but justified the decision by telling myself that Diane would certainly kill me if I fell and died.

Now far older than when I embarked on my first alpine quests, I feel the heartbeat of time. I temper my ambitions by acknowledging the stark reality of my age and physical limitations. I think about that for my older companions as well. Even though my body still has all its original equipment it does not mean that every new arduous adventure makes me stronger. Hardly.

I later joked with Mark that every plan should heed to a personal ARC, my acronym for an ‘Alpine Reality Check.’ It is a mirror we should regard to help us snap out of denial and confront that both our alpine capabilities and mountain time are now regrettably limited. While it is not difficult to acknowledge that the days of fifth-class mixed alpine may now be well behind us, it is not quite so easy to mentally prepare to finally leave the stage. Perhaps we can ignore that a bit longer if we select the routes that allow us to stay in the game. Staying in the game. I cannot think of anything better.